I wanted to be like Janine when I was small. And then I leaned: I could never be Janine, no matter how hard I tried.

I guess I never realized that for Janine? There was no way she could be me. And not in the screw up, fuck up, worthless idiot sense. In the fact that I have talents, gifts…something worthwhile. I've never thought that before.

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This is what life should be. Easy, simple, fun--days at the beach with a best friend, a sister. Phone calls from a guy who's nuts about you. Some hot mod dresses in my closet, given by a guy who kinda feels like a friend now. Watching the sun rise over the ocean. Yeah, days like this? I can really believe that maybe, just maybe, I'm gonna be okay. Maybe life isn't just a big ass joke.

The big fat joint I spark up to start the day doesn't hurt, though.

( Read more... )

Who was I kidding.

Who was I fucking kidding.

New house. Same idiot, stupid fuck up Claud. There is no such thing as a fresh start. Your history follows you like a stench.

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Anna and I settled in fine last night, though she's right: this house is quiet. I don't feel right, yet, setting about making it all feel like ours. Maybe because Abby is around. But we hang out in Anna's room, and it feels like the home we shared for so long. It feels right, just my sister and me.

She said on Friday that everyone deserves a fresh start. And here mine is, right next to the people who I hurt so bad. Who will see that my car lives in the driveway here. How will this go?

Can I really be reborn again, reconnect with the Claudia who existed before teachers said I was stupid, way back when I was just in kindergarten, back before when I started to believe that I was nothing more than a screw up and walled myself up? Can I find my way back to Mimi's little girl?

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I tried to drown myself this weekend, in guys (and a girl, and...man, that's old now, sorry, Dor, but the thrill is gone. Been there, screwed that, lost the t-shirt, I want my sex from guys) and in pot...and somehow I couldn't get there all the way. I just...couldn't. Something stopped me.

Anna believes in me. She loves me, no matter what. I have a family that's there because it's a choice and not because of blood ties. And I have my art, I do, and it keeps me whole. I want to be whole. I want to be the girl that Anna and Malik see under all of my fuck ups. I need to make some changes. Give up dealing: I can't live with myself as the Stoner Satan of Stoneybrook. I just want to smoke up for me, for reals. I can't deal with the guilt. Beyond that...I gotta fight every urge I got to just shut down and be like Ash. If I got my sister holding my hand, maybe I can make it out of this black box I've been living in for months. I hope so.

She doesn't want me to drown.
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I spilled a secret. Nice work, Claud.

I can't get Malik to stop wanting to be my boyfriend, no matter who I date or who I screw. Worse? I don't want to let him go. Genius.

John and Rioko are charging me rent lately, and I have no time to sell art or restore furniture to pay for it. If I didn't deal, I would have zero cash and have to go back to Russ and Peaches' place. Where I'm a glorified babysitter and have no place to work. Awesome, huh. My sister feels sorry for me. Great.

This is my life, the life of fuck up Claud: ( Read more... )If it wasn't for Anna, nothing would be right.

I smoked weed outside, as if it was legal to do that shit.

Lord, how I love Oberlin. If I had to go to real college? Sign me up for here, yo.

So, Anna and me have a packed Friday here, that's why I am up so damned early. And I am not a journaler or whatever, but I wanted to put this down. This is my Anna's home--and she's shining already here. It's so incredible to see, for reals.

Anna's dad died in a horrible, horrible way, and her family never really recovered. Her mom treats her like she's nothing. Invisible. Her sister does, too. She's a shadow, for reals. She has talents up the ass that most people ignore--fuck, they just ignore her. It's like she's a ghost: her friends all kinda fell away, just like mine. And like me, she was ready to just be okay with it. Make new friends who didn't really care about her, just hang on to the one thing that made her feel whole--her art. Annabelle has earned the right to play the Victim Card, to whip it out and whine all day. But she never does.

I told Stace that she was acting like a victim, and for no damn good reason. And she didn't deny it. That's the thing: she didn't deny it. Jacqui Grant rips into people for breathing wrong, Emily Bernstein hates everything except her coffeepot and that newspaper--I'm pretty sure she masturbates to it. And so Kristy hates her--like they had been BFF recently? Whatever, someone you don't care about hates you, big damn deal. So, three of her four members of her clique freeze her out--she had three times as many people who cared about her than Erica, Robert, and Logan.

My Anna and me...we know what it is like to be alone. I get a bit petty and get emo about it at times, but I do try super hard to just keep in my art. But what can I say, when I'm on the rag, I get whiny about it. Damn menstrual cycle. But my Annabelle...she doesn't. She just accepts it, she just... She's allowed herself to believe that she doesn't deserve to shine--or she did--but she never plays the victim.

I admire her so damn much, how strong she is. I'm lucky--my best friend is my hero, too.

The lady from Elle said that I had zero head for the fashion business.

The other woman on the final judging panel said that my aesthetic was all over the place.

Tim Gunn said that I lacked focus in my line--it was incoherent and difficult to follow.

And then Laura Bennett said that my clothes were extremely well-made.

And then Tim said that I had true talent.

That's when my head went to Jell-O.

Someone said that Parson's design school will be amazing for me. Another wished me luck, and the others chimed in. They told me to keep going, to keep challenging myself. To not be discouraged by my parents. And then Tim said--and you bet your ass I remember this--"See you in four years."

It took three minutes. Maybe less.

I got spanked, I got rejected, I got sent out with a big fat no.

But it was the best damn day of my life.

See you in four years? Hate to say it--but in four years...I won't need Project Runway. I'll be on my way, all on my own.

Though...at least I'll stop by to say hi to my new BFF Tim. We'll get a martini, it will be fabulous.

With thanks to the master Jackson Pollock, this is my life before pot:( Read more... )

Why bother, you know?

I spoke my truth to Dori, but I was wrong, kinda. Maybe a lot. I'm not sure. The hard part about being honest is that how you feel one minute isn't how you feel the next, for reals. This is why I just don't even speak my damned mind: I art it out, all of the honesty. Art is supposed to move and change. People...whatever, everyone always gets so damned hurt and offended when you keep it real. I'm gonna chat with Dor here soon. I'll try not to be judgmental (dude, Spell Check, hi, I thought that was spelled "jugemental." Huh!). Be open. Like Anna is. I hope she can keep herself in check next time, not get all drama on me.

I told everybody about what I saw at the Brunos, trying to be real, cause gossip blows--why not get to the truth? And people got pissed. That's Claud, all right. Dumbass, Level Ten. I was trying to do a solid here. Whatever, yo. Why bother.

Except for Anna, Lew, Malik, Gordon, and Ashley--maybe Dor? I don't know yet--everybody here blows goats. Nobody gets how to be real with each other and be chill while letting it all out. But, really? On that list? Only Anna gets me.

I gotta get outta this town. It's killing me.

I hate journaling. It's like, Let's be deep. I'd rather paint.( Read more... )

Damn, do I love Spell and Grammar Checks...

Last night, I got two calls from people looking to score--a junior at Day School and some sophomore from SHS. Not bad, money was nice--I'm already trying to decide, do I want pastels or brushes off of this sale? It kinda hit me, though. Nobody else from school has been over since, like, forever? No one knows that I live in the garage, no one knows that I got that art award, no one knows that I decided to take their hint and get lost inside of my art and a bong. And things have been groovy tunes since--best life I've ever led. Other than Mom and Dad, but they can bite me in the ass.

It's not like I want my old life back--my old life was sad and dorky, waiting for Stacey or Trevor or Josh or Erica to call and then realizing that it was on me to contact them? Nah, dude, they got their own deals. That's fine. Life is a growing thing, you have to respect that. So they better respect where I've gone without them.

I don't want that back, I don't. But I do want--a last hurrah. Is that so bad?

Writing's boring, and I got a big ass lump of clay just begging for some Claud. See ya, and chill til the next episode...

I've been so busy lately, I almost forgot I had this thing. Things have been going really well. I really like all of my classes but I got a pretty low grade on one test in my class. But I got a really good grade, which brings me up to a C average. I'm just gonna have to pay attention in that class more.

Homecoming was a few weeks ago. It was a lot of fun. Trevor was my date (again, I'm sensing a trend here, haha) and we had a lot of fun together again. He makes a good date - he's fun and easy to talk to and a great dancer. This was my dress.

I've been working on set design and costumes for the play lately and it's all going really well. The cast is doing awesome. The first show is this friday and I'm excited to see it and my designs onstage.

Better end this, I've got some studying to do.

This summer's been great. Trevor and I have been talking and we're gonna see SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE tonight. Gordon and I have been watching Project Runway every Wednesday and I think Dori's gonna start joining us. School is starting soon and I'm really excited about the classes I'm gonna be taking. Senior year is gonna be awesome!

OH. MY. LORD.

Project Runway night last night with Gordon was CRAZY. I SO called it when Keith got kicked off. We were both surprised that someone else got Auf'ed, but I guessed it would be Bonnie and I was right again! Gordon now owes me fifteen bucks.

Trevor is back from Europe and he sent me an e-mail. And I've been hanging out with Josh a little more often lately. I'm excited for school to start up again - senior year baby! And the classes I'm taking should be interesting.

Alan and I are over.

For good this time.

I really don't know what to do.

Alan kissed me at Erica's party. I was so shocked I couldn't think of anything to do. I did end up kissing him back, a little, before he stopped it. And I don't know why. I thought I was over liking him like that. I adore him, but I really don't want to risk losing him as a friend. When we were together, all we did was bicker and fight.

When we got along, though...I don't know. He's treated me better than any other guy I've ever dated. Hell, better than any guy I've ever known.

But during prom...I don't know. Trevor was being so sweet to me and such a gentleman. He didn't try to kiss me or anything, but being with him felt so nice.

I really don't know what to do, or how to feel.

Prom was good otherwise, though. Stacey told me that she and Cary got together, FINALLY. And she won prom queen. I'm so proud of her. And happy for her.

I just wish I were as...I don't know. Satisfied? Complete? Sure?

Crazy, crazy weekend. I was expecting it to be kind of calm. It wasn't at all. But it was fun.

Stacey came over after fighting with Laine and her mom, and she stayed over for the weekend. Then Janine and her new boyfriend came over yesterday. Mom said that she'd told me Janine was coming over a while ago, but I swear I don't remember her telling me. Dad seemed a little freaked that she brought home a boyfriend. I was all "what the hell, there's so many people here and I didn't even know Janine was coming!" at first, but after a little while I chilled out. Janine's boyfriend seems really nice. Dad's been keeping an extra close watch on the two of them. It's kind of funny.

I'm really excited for prom. Trevor and I are going to dinner before it with Stacey and Cary. Who was the main topid of a lot of our conversations this weekend. (Cary, not Trevor. Though we talked about him a little too.) He wants to go out for coffee or something to talk about what we're wearing and to catch up a little bit. We were paired together for an English project earlier this year and started talking a lot, but didn't get to see each other much 'cause he was still with Ashley.

I haven't seen her in a while. I should talk to her more about it. I asked her when Trevor first asked me if it was cool if I went with him and she said yeah, but things feel kinda awkward.

Things are looking up since I last wrote in here. Trevor asked me to the prom after he broke up with Ashley over the weekend. I feel kind of bad about that. But it's not like we're going as a real date or anything, just as friends. So there's no need to feel bad, I guess. I'm just worried about what Ashey's gonna think. I hope she's not too mad at me.

Stace, Abby, Anna, and I went dress shopping over the weekend and I found the perfect dress. It's kind of different for a prom dress, but it's so me and I love love love it. Here's a picture of it. Shopping was kind of awkward, though. Stacey and Sam kind of got into a fight. I think it was about her going with Cary. She's been getting a lot of shit for that, but I don't know why.

I'd better go to bed. Saved By The Bell is making me miss sleep, but I have a project due in history tomorrow. (Which is done, but I don't wanna screw up when I present it.)

I got nominated for prom queen, which is exciting.

I don't have a date, which is distresing.

I'd better get to work finding one. It'd look pretty weird if one of the prom court nominees couldn't even get a date.

Alan has a date. He's taking Mary Anne.

I'm not jealous that he has a date and I don't. Really.